Confusions!!!!

Its all started with me getting job in USA after struggling so much for it. Currently its been a month I have started my job. Like all so called "Software Companies" even my job was sitting 8 hours in-front of computer and sometimes visiting the lab for board debug. Lets keep aside these technical details.

I dont know how these thoughts originated. I have a job, got a new car, have enough friends to hang around, but still feel alone. I never had this feeling before. Now a days I see daily one or the other of my friends getting engaged or married. Initially I used to feel myself lucky of being in USA and can avoid this big step of my life few more years. But I am not able to !!! why?

Recently I met one of my friend in a pub. He got his fiancee for DJ night. Eventhough I had my own gang of friends, who were all bachelors around me, I felt like when I will be in his position. As the saying goes, the grass is greener on the other side, may be its the age or the environment around me making me confused day by day. Today I was speaking with my parents. For the first time I spoke a lot and they were less interested to hear what I wanted to convey. Every time I listened to what they said, but today when I wanted to talk more, they became opposite.!!!. Even my sister was less interested to talk to me regarding this issue.

Few days back when my parents raised this topic about me getting married, I said no, not now!!. But after a month I am starting to get interest. I am having multiple thoughts & reasons to start about it soon. First I am at the right age for marriage now with all my formal education done and having my desired job. Second all my friends got married or engaged. Third my office environment is boring, there is no younger generation.

With all these regards, even in my home they also fine to go ahead with my marriage soon by next year I have second thoughts. I still feel sense of accomplishment. After completing masters in USA and job I am at far better place when it comes to comparing with other friends of my age. But is this my achievement or still I have to achieve a lot, is the biggest question!!!. And to achieve that should I remain bachelor or get married like others at this age!!!.??


I guess nature also contributing to my thoughts changing towards getting a life partner soon. When I was doing my masters all I wanted to have a job and roam around freely with friends. But who knew eventually all friends are not compatible with my thoughts. This is may be because they are still younger than me and have same thoughts when I was at their age. So whom should I share my thoughts with??. This is the question I have from my school days. I was always alone when it comes to expressing my thoughts. Its every-time me craving for company from others, not the other way. I guess the barrier potential of this craving is reaching peak. I am also thinking that someone should talk to me daily, ask me to go out with them. Tell stories of how they spent the day and ask mine. Yes, these all seem link towards what I am specifying so called "Getting Engaged" , but I may not be true.

The thing is I also saw so many peaks and valleys in my life. As per my family they think I am the luckiest to have things I desired compared to them with respect to finding resources and getting them. But no one never knew the truth about the other side of coin. Since I never shared my sorrows with anyone, it all accumulated inside. My likes, dislikes when it comes to the person I am never open. I dont know how to talk to people when I am infront of them. Every word I talk, I will be thinking that what should I talk next so to keep the person interested and I fumble!!!..

Now the reasons I am thinking of going away from this thought is few. First I am still left with my student loan, which takes around a year to complete. Second I am still not sure to go back to India. Third I am waiting for parents to come here and see what they feel about USA. Although they dont like Bangalore due to traffic, they may like california. Fourth the girl I want to marry, initial thoughts were to marry a girl who stays in India and not much interested to come to USA. But now I think its better to have that girl staying in california itself, doing job after MS, just like me. There are couple of reasons behind it, first I dont have to waste more time in visiting to girls place in India when I go for vacation and later I dont have any VISA problems.

But the confusion gets bigger and bigger with it. What if my parents does not like USA and I get married to a girl who likes to stay here.?. As my office time offs are lesser, what if I have to spend all my holidays in this, instead of taking my parents out to visit some places as they never did tour much due to our schooling. I want to have them all the things which they missed in their lifetime for raising us.

My mind and heart are struggling and thus not getting sleep, so writing this blog to flow my thoughts away into something. But still one question remains always. What's this confusion all about??

Signing off,

Complex mesh network of a jack

Once upon a time there was a kid who always had a happy life, no reason or what. He didn't get time to worry about things, since he kept himself busy in something or other. Never listened to parents advise, always did the things which he wanted to do. But dreams a lot. Pushed himself to the world of reality faking his mind that its the same world of his dreams.

Steadily and slowly time began to change. Kid became a teenager and world beside him started changing. He did put his efforts to keep it cool. Every-time he did loose something or had a bad result, he used to cry, which used to reduce pain inside him and pushed to new things. Since the inner circle was small he still has the real world as his dream world.

As teenager became adult, he migrated from his inner world to outer world. Even though the migration was not that difficult, he didn't realize what he lost and what he gained. Now he had clear vision in his life about what to do. He thought it will be easy go for him, as he was clever enough to tackle any issue. As someone said, the age does show effects on person's mentality. The age of 20's made to get attracted towards opposite sex. But that person didn't loose focus for which he had entered the outer world. He tried his best to be different and famous compared to all other peers. He became successful in gaining the name which he wanted always, but it came in a negative way. He neglected the effects of that, since he didn't imagine the future.

He was still in his dream world where he had big plans to be executed. He didn't loose hope of converting dreams into reality. He got greatly influenced by movies. Relating each and every character to his own life became his hobby. Still as he was involved in many things, he managed to get some good credits also. Things favored in his way partially (which he thought complete). He began chasing another dream again.

The enthusiasm, intelligence and sense of responsibility slowly began to vary. He started thinking too much in his mind , which was holding already things in all different areas. He started analyzing people. He got to know, everyone is there for some meaning. As work finishes, all will flash away in a second. He started becoming the same. Reduced all his personal contacts, spent most of time loner. The loneliness became major part of his life. He thought he never going to achieve what he intends to. His dream world broke in front of reality. The complexity in his mind increased to an extent such that, he started hiding his true identity. Faking himself and people around him, he got split personality.


The complex network of his mind never allowed him to come out of loop. As days progress, he had best ideas to implement in life. But all remained as ideas. Finally he himself decided to come out of loop one day. Thought change could bring him back to old days. Spent an year finding himself back. When he traveled 99 miles of his 100 mile journey, the last mile started all the pains, frustrations again. He is in a path now, where he cant proceed further and cant travel back 99 miles.

He always trusted his decisions more than anyone/anything else. Never gave up his desires, just went with the flow of wind and got them. A child who was a devotional in his childhood day, suddenly turned to an atheist as adult.

He is still thinking about past, present and future. He still has his dream world, which is half broken. He still has 1% faith to travel the last mile. He has still different and unique in his way. An all rounder, still has ability to move any big mountain in his way.

But to do all this, he needs to get reminded. Someone need to make him believe that he has still the same old pal, who can shake the world and turn into his own. Bitter truth is, now he has no one to speak with. No one share the pain. He cant cry also as he is becoming a loner scared dull chap. Nothing with him seemed fine, everything is an effect, for which he never had a cause.

As a disbeliever of so called god,he lost his last and one and only best friend in this world. To whom he always spoke truth, never did fake. Now he himself want to be fake. 50% turning to 90%. Another few days, he will be an identity who is lost in himself and no one can reach him...



THE COMPLEXITY AND REALITY BOTH ARE SLOW POISON!!!!! THAT PERSON IS ON DEATH BEAD, WHERE HE IS GETTING KILLED BY SLOW POISON>>>>>

just need some change

i need a change..
change from my current,,,
change from my past,,,,,
i need a change..


change from all the happiness till now i had,,,
change from all the sorrows till now i had,,,
change from deeds i have done & doing,,,,,,
i need a change....

change from the society i have been living,,,
change from the money which rules everyone,,,,
change from adulthood to nice childhood,,,
i need a change...


change from the things which put pressure in mind,,,
change from the normal to great,,,
change from myself,,,
i need a change...